For my birthday, Shane got me the greatest gift of all, greater even than the gift of life itself (see above). That is me with New Computer. New Computer is huge and omniscient. New Computer makes Old Computer look like an abacus. New Computer uses Old Computer as an ashtray. New Computer logged into Skynet and became self-aware at 5:07 am on April 23, 2010.
But this event was almost thwarted by ne'er-do-wells and miscreants. Shane originally ordered the computer online, to be delivered on April 7. Federal Express provided tracking updates which listed the package as having been picked up from Apple, in transit, and then delivered. When we returned home that evening, there was no package to be found.
Problem.
A series of phone calls ensued over a two week period. The FedEx driver claimed to have left the computer behind our gate, invisible to passersby. FedEx authorities said that since the driver said he left it, it wasn't their problem, and we should call Apple. Apple said that they needed to call FedEx. The police said that we couldn't report a theft of something we had never possessed.
After pitched battles with all three bureaucracies, the only progress was that the police agreed to take our report. They came to the conclusion, as did we, that the FedEx driver was the only logical suspect. My suggestion that they beat him with sticks until candy came out of his tummy was taken under advisement.
Justice only resulted from involving a fourth bureaucracy: Visa. We said "refund our money." They said "OK." It took about 2 minutes during a single phone call and was somewhat anticlimactic.
Epilogue: I got the computer from the Apple Store. FedEx got paid. Their driver presumably got a computer too. Apple Online got nothing for the computer they shipped except my eternal scorn. Their new commercial will be my silhouette beating Steve Jobs's silhouette with an iPad to the tune of a Lily Allen song. New slogan: "Think Different, as the Result of Blunt Cranial Trauma."
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